A Nerd's Revenge

A not so serious look at life.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

The Cat: Episode 1

My girlfriend owns an orange, rather obese, tabby cat. His name is HI, after Nicholas Cage's character in Raising Arizona. If push came to shove I would honestly say that the fat little guy is a bit mentally slow. I tell people this and they don't believe me. That's because they don't live with him. I'm fairly sure if I put him outside and closed the door he would die from a fatal case of constipation. I doubt he could figure out how to take a shit outside with out the aid of his purple cat box.

The first time I met the cat he was sprawled out on the kitchen floor. I had dropped by my girldfriend's apartment to pick her up. We were going out for Mexican food. While she was getting ready I walked into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. An orange and white pile of fur stirred and looked up at me from the floor. The vacant expression on his face shifted and for a second I thought there was a glimmer of recognition. I reached down and scratched his chin. He began to purr. What a sweet cat, I thought. Maybe he considered me a new friend. The truth hit me like a bolt of lightning when he rolled over next to his food bowl and meowed. I wasn't his new friend. I was his next meal ticket and the look in his eyes said it all. "I'm f**cking starving...could you pick me up a burrito"?